apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
