I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My vagina just recognized that song.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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