Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
