i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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