Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
