saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
