his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
