So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
