I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
