did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
