what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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