Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
