There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
