i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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