Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
