I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
