I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
