There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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