i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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