Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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