I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
