I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize