I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
