I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize