I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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