hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
