I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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