He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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