No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
