laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
