i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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