just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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