I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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