she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize