She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
