i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
