He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
