i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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