So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
