I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
