My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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