I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
