I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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