I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize