i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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