Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
