I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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