Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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