Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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