i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
