drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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