My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Girls should come with a carfax report
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
