Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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