i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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