I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
