I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
