I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
