Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
