Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
