Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
