Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
