I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
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