Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
