Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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