Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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