I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
