There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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